Sometimes I wonder

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Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without my bipolar disorder. What kind of person would I be? Would I still have been creative from a very early age? Would I still have been as fascinated with movies, TV, and video games? I wonder what I would have looked like, physically. What kind of style and hair-do I’d have had. Would my body have looked different? Would I have had different habits? I wonder if I would have been meaner or kinder, stronger or weaker, taller or shorter, smarter or dumber. I wonder if my feelings and opinions would be different. Whether I’d still have cared about the world as much as I do. Would I have been more narrowminded, less inclined to travel, or maybe been good at math, wanted to be a doctor or a politician or a scientist, a carpenter, or would I have been a talented dancer, or maybe just super, super boring?

Would I still have fallen in love? Would I still have fallen in love with the same people?
Would I still have the same friends?

I think about death a lot. Moreso when I’m depressed, but still a fair bit when I’m not. I think about what it would be like to die, who would miss me, and that I’d definitely want to be cremated. It also makes me think about life and what it means. We make choices and choose different paths all the time. Life as we know it can change in a heartbeat. But it’s so hard to live in the now, that now that everyone is so obsessed with. Live in the moment. Sometimes I wonder what that even means. I mean, I am obviously living in the moment. I’m alive now. And the next moment. And this one. And this one. Until there are no more moments. There is a limited amount of those. There are good ones and bad ones and alright ones, you know, basic moments. Maybe it just means that one should really treasure each good moment and really feel it – give yourself away to it. But it’s not possible to do that all the time, I mean, even just knowing when something is a good moment or not in that specific moment can be impossible. You may only find that out in retrospect. So I guess… it’s good to live in the actual moment that is happening right now and not focus too much on the past or the future. However, that is of course also necessary at times. We learn from our past, and we plan for the future. The plan may not always work out, but it’s good to have goals. Things to look forward to. We all know this.

But do we – do I – live by it? I don’t think I’ve learned how to just yet.

I want to live a fulfilling life. But I’m still very much influenced by what society expects of me, and what other people think I should want and should need. What if my circumstances in life just don’t allow that? What happens then ? What happens then ? …

(Points for you if you get the reference.)

It’s funny. I quite often wonder about that fulfilling life. But I don’t remember actually writing down what a fulfilling life would be for me. So far, it’s all just fleeting thoughts and ideas in my head. Huh. I’ll give it a go.

…. This is harder than I thought it would be.

…….. Let’s start with values in life. I’ve written those down many times.

I value the people I care about.

Ok, give me a second, I’m gonna get my notebook out and see what I’ve written previously. Ah, there it is.

I value

• Always doing one’s best
• Doing something good/making a difference for others
• Having new experiences
• Intimacy
• Love
• Diversity
• Tolerance
• Authenticity
• Justice
• Honesty
• Practicing what you preach

So how do I apply those to create a meaningful, fulfilling life for myself?

I want to make a difference for others. (Which is also one of the reasons why I started this blog again). I want to make people smile and have good experiences. I want to show love and compassion. I want to be with the people I love. I want to practice tolerance and authenticity, and accept and appreciate myself for who I am. I want to help others feel good about themselves. I want to be as healthy, physically and mentally, as possible. And I want to live a quiet life, with as little stress as possible. I want to see more of the world, read, study, watch, learn.

That’s all my brain can manage for now.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I didn’t have bipolar. But mostly, I wonder what my life will continue to look like with it.