Gæk gæk gæk

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Mit navn det står med prikker, pas på de ikke stikker…!

So Easter is upon us, and it’s always been my second favorite holiday, Christmas being number one. I mean, I get to eat lots of chocolate, and the decorations are cute. What’s not to like?! It’s very cheerful, and of course the spring weather we’re having now helps a lot, too. And here in Denmark, we have a tradition of sending gækkebreve to friends and family. It’s mainly for kids, but it’s still fun. I haven’t sent one in years, but I might this year, if I find the time.

 

I found a blogger who describes this tradition very well:

Creating and sending gækkebreve (snowdrop letters) is a unique Danish tradition. In the weeks before Easter, children cut out elaborate shapes on paper, then write a “teaser poem.” The letter is anonymous but signed with a number of dots corresponding to the number of letters in the sender’s name. If the recipient can guess who it’s from, the sender owes him an egg. If he can’t, he owes the sender an egg. The letter is accompanied by a vintergække (snowdrop), considered the first flower of the year.

scandinaviastandard.com

A gækkebrev could look something like this:

The letter roughly translates to:

“Dear Stephanie.

GÆK GÆK GÆK

A little angel I send to you, with a dress of white and cape of green, my snowdrop and summer-fool – Easter you shall become.

Written in Poland and versified in the sun.

Gæk-gæk-gæk, I wonder if you can get who wrote these spots…

. . . . . “

When I was a kid, we didn’t add a flower, as far as I remember. We just cut out the letter in fancy shapes and came up with some cute little rhyme. The trick was to write it with a different handwriting, so the receiver wouldn’t recognize it. Like, I’m right-handed, so maybe I’d write it with my left hand. Or I’d write it in all caps, or have my dad write it. If you sent it to your grandma, and she knew it was you, she’d just pretend she couldn’t guess it and just gave you the Easter-egg. It was great.

Also, it doesn’t necessarily has to be sent a week before Easter. Maybe you just drop it in their mailbox a few days before, and hope they won’t guess it’s you!

I found a good example of a gækkebrev written in English:

Snowdrop, snowdrop, snowdrop fine,
Omen true of hope divine,
From the heart of winter bring
Thy delightful hope of spring.
Guess my name I humbly beg.
Your reward: An Easter-Egg.
Let these puzzling dots proclaim
Every letter in my name

Expat in Lyngby

I think it’s a cute tradition. It’s also something we’d always make in pre-school and primary school. We’d also grow our own little personal pot of cress in school, and we’d decorate it with little Easter orniments and stuff. Like, this one is an absolute classic:

Oh, the memories…

Anyway. What’s my point with this post? It’s just nice. It cheers me up. Maybe you’re going through a tough time, like me, and this might cheer you up a bit, as well.

Have a lovely Easter. Eat lots of chocolate!!!

I moved into my own place!

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For the first time in my life since moving out of my parents’ house, I finally have my very own apartment. Regular housing – not student housing, no expiration date, no flatmates (until my boyfriend moves in <3)… and it’s within my (tight) budget.

And it’s pretty big. 61,9m2, two rooms – a bedroom and a living room, long entryway, kitchen (that desperately needs renovation), and a classic, tiny Copenhagen bathroom. The shared courtyard is huge, and there are four recycling stations. ❤

After 3-4 years, I finally have a couch again. A real couch. Not a sofa bed, just a beautiful, adult corner-couch. Here it is. Isn’t it wonderful? It was half price when I got it, so 4999DKK. It brings me (and everyone else who’s sat in it so far) such joy and relaxation. One of the best purchases in my life.

I have space around me. My stuff isn’t all cramped into a small space. There’s so much more air. Big windows, so much light. High ceilings, classic old Copenhagen style. It’s close to the center, just a short bike ride away, and great access to public transportation.

I have yet to realize that this place is now mine. Of course it’s just rental, but it’s still mine. 

I’m still waiting for a new kitchen. It’s so run down and gross and ugh. It’s made cooking and eating regularly very difficult for me. Luckily, my boyfriend is here every second evening (obviously more since my grandpa died last Sunday), and I’ve had friends over, as well. They either cook for me, or we cook together, or we have take-out. Yesterday, I made lunch with a dear friend of mine at her place. She knows I’ve been having difficulties eating properly, and she knows that it helps me when I’m around others. We ended up spending 8 hours together! I love her so much.

There have been setbacks and issues to be solved, as there always is when moving into a new place. But it’s been so overwhelming. I was down with a cold when I had to start packing, and still a bit sick when we started moving my stuff out. The moving itself exhausted me. Then the mother of my cousins died… that was upsetting.

We also had to paint the bedroom, and it took my boyfriend, my sister, her husband, and me 6 hours to paint it. Old apartment means lots of nooks and crannies etc. And the previous tenants had been smokers, so… yeah. It was a bitch to paint. And then, the next morning, my dad called me and told me that my granddad had died in his sleep.

Two deaths within one week. And then two funerals within one week. Wednesday was the funeral of my cousins’ mom, and next Wednesday we’ll be going to the same church for my granddad’s funeral. They lived in the same city. So surreal…

So a lot has been going on. I haven’t really had time to process the fact that I’m in my own place now. So many other events have taken over. When everything quiets down, and when I have lamps, and I get a new kitchen, maybe it will finally hit me. Maybe then I will be able to truly enjoy it and be grateful. But for now, I’m just sad most of the time. Mind is occupied.

I’m so excited for my boyfriend to move in with me. There will be challenges along the way, of course, but I have no doubt in my mind that we will face them head-on and work it out.

I’m tired. I cry almost every day. Eating is difficult. But I’m gonna get through it, especially with the help of my wonderful friends, family, and boyfriend. I’m a very lucky girl.

I think that’s all for now. Hope you enjoyed this little update.

Have a great week!

 

 

Misery loves company.

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Written on Monday the 8th of April, 2019.

 

This week’s post was supposed to be about something completely different. It was going to be about how I finally got my own place, a two-room apartment with a long hallway, a tiny bathroom, and a kitchen that will be replaced (hopefully soon – it’s a dump).

But plans change. Things happen. Unexpected things. Sad things.

The night between Saturday and Sunday, my grandfather (my grandma’s husband, on my father’s side) passed away in his sleep. I won’t go into details about that, it’s not necessary. But it came as a surprise to me. I knew he was old, was having health problems, but… I thought he’d be around for at least another couple of years. But that was not to be.

My dad called me around 9am yesterday and told me. I burst into tears.

Today, my dad took me and my sister to see him one last time at the chapel. My aunt also joined us. Just writing this makes me cry. It was devastating and wonderful to see him and say goodbye. He was cold as ice, as to be expected. But I’d never touched a cold… body… before.

His skin was still soft, though, and he looked like he was sleeping. Both my sister and I expected him to wake up, squeeze our hands with that wonderful, warm grip, open his eyes and smile at us. We stood there for a while. I was resting my hand on his, caressing his cheek and his hair. He looked so peaceful. It was so strange to see him so quiet… none of us had seen him be so quiet before. He was always on the go, smiling, talking, fully present. His presence is now gone. It felt terribly wrong.

As we stood there, my aunt started telling stories. And she told us things we’d never been told before. I knew my father’s family history was complicated, but I had no idea just how much. It’s a private story, so I won’t share it here. I’m so overwhelmed by it, and confused. I really want to learn more about it all.

To make matters worse… last week, my grandmother (from my mom’s side) called me and told me that the mother of my cousins had taken her own life. I was stunned and overwhelmed. She and my uncle had divorced years ago, so I barely had any contact with her anymore. But to think that she was… it’s so hard to believe. And my cousins… I can’t even begin to understand the pain they must be going through. My heart and soul goes out to them.

Within one week, I’ll be going to two funerals. In the same city, if you can believe it. I almost can’t.

My family on both sides are in a lot of pain. I’m in a lot of pain. However, thinking about how amazing and incredible my grandfather’s life has been really helps. He was a true jack-of-all-trades. One could only dream of living a life as full as his.

I will end it there. The wound is still fresh, and I need to process it all, and get through this difficult time. I’m very fortunate to have wonderful and kind people around me to be there for me, and I for them. For that I am truly grateful.

I hope you are all well and safe. Appreciate the people around you, as cheesy as that sounds. Show the people you love that you care. Allow people to love you.

My grandfather was the epitome of love and compassion, and I will do my best to follow his example.

May he rest in peace, that beautiful, caring, loving, hilarious, street-smart, and incredibly talented man. He will be missed by all who ever met him. A truly special and one-of-a-kind human being. All of the above is an understatement. I’m just… so, so grateful for having had him in my life.

“Pas nu godt på dig selv. Og opfør dig ordentligt!”

– Erik Lenskjold

 

 

Thank you for reading.

My favorite YouTube channels

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For this week, I really just felt like writing a light and cheerful post. I’m currently down with a cold, and in the process of moving (!!!), so I thought, why not write a post about something that makes me happy and never ceases to entertain me? That’s right. The beautiful and magical place called YouTube (YT).

I obviously have favorites, but I do watch a bit of this and that. Recently I’ve been watching The Hollywood Reporter: Roundtables, especially those with some of the most amazing actresses on this planet, talking about different subjects, light and heavy. Here’s an example: Actresses Roundtable

This is a list of some of the channels that I really love. Some I follow religiously. It’s in no particular order, except for the first three – those are my top addictions.

Enjoy!

Jenna Marbles

The Queen of YouTube, according to many, is just fucking hilarious, weird and wonderful. If there was one YouTuber I could meet in this world, it would be Jenna. Her energy, persona, humor, and view on life resonates with me on so many levels. She’s a fabulous 32-year-old ladyyyy (watch her videos and get the reference), who simply wants to chill, play PUBG, do weird, fucked up stuff in her weekly videos, and spend as much time with her dogs as she possibly can. Oh, and don’t even get me STARTED on the dogs, Kermit, Peach, and Marbles. She’s a virgo to the maxxxx and has a basketball game tomorroooow.

Her boyfriend, Julien Solomita, is just as fantastic. Here’s why:

Julien Solomita

This guy. This guy right here. Seriously, everyone needs a Julien in their lives. He cracks me up. Running around with his aries energy, driving Jenna crazy yet killing her with his charms, and shooting beautiful, aesthetically pleasing videos, are just some of his many talents. I’m literally sitting here chuckling just thinking about some of the shit he gets up to. And he is so freaking adorable. He’ll do anything for Jenna – including letting her dye his beard, turn him into a Bratz doll, helping her achieve her dream of growing 7 inches taller, cutting and coloring his hair… Jenna names it, he’ll do it. And it is hilarious. His comments, his jokes, his facial expressions… okay, just, just go watch his channel. Now. Like, right now. Leave. Go now. GO.

 

Jenna+Julien Podcast

So this is probably my biggest addiction to a YT channel to date. Yes, these two have basically taken over my life. And I am here. For. It.
I don’t really listen to any other podcasts, just this one. A new episode comes out once a week – every Monday – and I wait impatiently for it all week. When it’s finally out, I try my best not to watch it right away, so that my withdrawals won’t get too bad. Not logical, I know. And I fail almost every time.
In order to control my withdrawals, I often go back and scrool through their older podcasts, just so I can get my fix. It’s probably gotten to a place where it’s not healthy, but I don’t care!!! I don’t know what I would do without my weekly Jenna+Julien podcast.

 

 

Lilly Singh

SuperwomanVlogs

If Jenna is the Queen of YT, Lilly Singh is definitely the rightful heir to the throne. However, Lilly is queen in soooo many other ways. Here’s why:

“Lilly Singh (aka iiSuperwomanii) is a multi-faceted comedian, entertainer, actress and the founder of #GirlLove. She has found worldwide fame through her comedic and inspirational YT videos, amassing 12 million subscribers. In March 2017, she released her debut book HOW TO BE A BAWSE: A Guide to Surviving Conquering Life, which became a #1 New York Times Best Seller. As a role-model to women and girls around the globe, Singh created her #GirlLove  initiative to break the cycle of girl-on-girl hate and encourage women to build each other up.” Source

She also creates music, she’s a really good rapper and song-writer, and makes fantastic music videos. I love her sense of humor, her mannerism, her content, and last, but not least, her cute little dog, Scarbro.

 

Pewdiepie

The King of YT!!! …. who is – and has been for some time now – in a “subscriber-war” with a channel called T-Series, which is some sort of  Indian music coorporation or something. It’s a whole deal on YT – I’m sure many of you will even have seen, heard, or read something about it in traditional media.

After T-Series passed Pewdiepie substantially recently, Pewdiepie made a song together with two other YouTubers, Roomie and Dave, called “Congratulations”:

“PewDiePie links with Roomie and Boyinaband for “Congratulations,” a bittersweet track in which they congratulate T-Series for overcoming PewDiePie’s channel and becoming the most subscribed-to YT channel in the world.” Source. 

Here’s the live sub-count. Since the song came out, Pewdiepie has been back in the lead!

Anyway… so… Pewdiepie makes funny videos about stupid things. Sometimes he makes serious videos where he intelligently explains different issues going on. But most of the time he’s just… silly. Love it!

I’ve been subscribed to Pewds for many years now. His content has changed over and over again, so I’ve been watching him on-off. These days, I really enjoy watching his videos, especially PewNews. His humor is quite Scandinavian, I think, which is why I might enjoy it more than some. So yeah, still a loyal subscriber to Pewds!

 

YouTuber News

I’m so happy I discovered this channel. Benedict Townsend is my spirit animal.

A news channel that gives you the latest news on what’s happening in YouTube-land, with the most magnificent host, Benedict Townsend! He has an amazing weekly segment called “YouTuber watch,” where he picks out a random youtuber every week and talk about what that youtuber has been up to recently. It’s such a fun and interesting way to get to know different youtubers. Thank you, Benedict!

And a big salute to the editors and special-effects people. 10/10!!!

 

Beckie Jane Brown

Rebecca Jane Brown, commonly known as Beckie, is a smart, beautiful young woman, who uses YT and other platforms to talk about mental health.

Much of her YT content has been about her struggles with trichotillomania, also known as hair pulling disorder. That’s this channel here: Trich Journal

On her main channel, she talks about a myriad of topics. Some of my favorite videos are her throw-out videos (she suffers from hoarding disorder) and her life-updates.

She’s also an artist, and she has an etsy account: Beckie’s art store
and an art channel on YT: Beckie Jane Brown Art

Shane Dawson

The KWEEN of YT. Heheh. Shane has been on YT, like, always. As far back as I can remember. He was one of – if not the first youtuber I started really following. His main channel used to be ShaneDawsonTV. Back in the day, he used to make sketches, parodies, songs, etc. He had different personas, such like the iconic Shanaynay, Aunt Hilda, Paris Hilton, Switch etc. He made a Christmas song back in 2012, called “Maybe This Christmas,” that I listen to every December. Some of my favorite parodies of his are those of Taylor Swift. Here’s one: Taylor Swift SPOOF. (Warning: explicit language and “violence.”)

Shane has managed to re-brand himself time and time again. Now, he’s ruling YT with his documentaries and his conspiracy theories. The site breaks when Shane uploads. He’s so talented, funny, smart, and entertaining. Go check him out!

 

Anna Akana

Anna Akana is such a good rolemodel and advocate of therapy and working on ones mental health. She deals with depression, low self-esteem, high expectations, self-worth etc. Her videos are always so cute, with fun animations and stuff. They’re so aesthetically pleasing to watch. And her content is just super relevant to me.

She’s also a very good and caring cat-mom.

 

Mr. Kate

I loooove watching Mr. Kate! This married duo, Kate and Joey, bring interior decoration dreams to life. One of my favorite things about this channel is that Kate loves thrifting – and so do I! So I get so much inspiration from this, without feeling like I’d go broke if I tried something similar to what they’re doing. As I’ve just moved (post about that next week!), I’m definitely taking in a lot of their tips and tricks on interior decor. They’re cute, funny, creative, and they love a good rug cuddle. If you’re even the slightest bit interested in interior design, you should definitely check them out!!!

 

Colleen Ballinger

ColleenVlogs

Colleen Ballinger became famous yeeeaars ago for her character Miranda Sings. Although I never really watched Miranda Sings, I’ve fallen in love with watching Colleen on her own channel and her vlog channel. Especially when she got pregnant, because she was 100% honest about what was happening, how she was feeling, and she made a point out of breaking with the taboo of talking about the negative sides of being pregnant. She’s been told by hundreds and hundreds of people to just be grateful that she can even get pregnant, that she shouldn’t complain, etc. etc. I respect and appreciate her so, so much for being open about her experience, especially because it’s helped so many women out there, who felt they couldn’t talk to anyone about what they were going through without people guilt-tripping her. Pregnancy isn’t always magical or a bed of roses; some women are hospitalized throughout their pregnancy!! And Colleen definitely had her share of ailments and pains.

I’ve learned a hundred times more about pregnancy from her videos than I ever did in school. I feel much more educated on my own body and what it does through to grow a human. It’s incredible what this woman went through, and what every woman on Earth who’s given birth has gone through. It just seems insane to me. Interestingly enough, it hasn’t scared me away from having children one day. I actually feel a lot better about it, because I feel more prepared and informed for what might happen.

Oh, and she’s a singer, performer, entertainer… so many talents. She also has adorable pets. And an adorable baby.

 

Intomore

THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. A channel that focuses on telling stories from the LGBTQ+ community, and I am here for it. Especially the two series they have: Old Lesbians and Old gays. Like, Old Gays play Cards Against Humanity, or Old Lesbians React to Lesbian Commercials. They are so freaking fantastic and wholesome and wonderful and gaaaaah I love them so much. ❤

 

Waffsicle

I’ve never seen another channel like this before. You may recognize the guy on the left. It’s Julien. Julien Solomita. Again. And the guy on the right? His name is Collin Duddy. Together, they started their company, Waffsicle. Collin loves waffles, Julien loves popsicles. Hence the name. Innovative, right?

So what do they do? They have created an amazing concept called Last Minute Trips. They each throw a dart (while blindfolded) at a map of the US and Canada, live on YT. Then they put up and online poll, and the viewers get to vote on which of the places they will go to. Immediately. Like, they’ll book plane tickets when the destination has been decided and basically head off to the airport right away. Last Minute Trips, ya’ll!

They get to see places that they’d probably never have gone to if it hadn’t been for a random throw of a dart. They meet interesting new people, and have random experiences. The videos are beautifully shot, almost like short documentaries. Super fun, go have a look!

 

Community Channel

Yes. I have used this exact image in a previous post. I just like it so much. And this woman, Natalie Tran, is a genius. Why did I put her last on the list? Because she hasn’t made a new videos in years. Why? She suffers from severe OCD, and it became so bad that she had to quit making videoes indefinitely. She’s really been struggling for the last few years, but I think she’s getting better.

She has made so many hilarious videos, and I return to them again and again. She’s so relatable, funny, and downright loveable. I dare you not to love her.

 

That’s it for this week! I hope you’ll get into one or more of these fantastic YT channels. Enjoy!

 

 

Next week: I moved into my own place!

What is self-worth?

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What is self-worth? What does it mean?

What am I worth all on my own? How do we even define or measure the value of a person?

If it doesn’t depend on the external world, then why is it so important?

Do I have to be worth anything? Can’t I just be? Just exist as I am? Or is it important to be worth something to oneself?

The following was inspired by a friend of mine.
She told me that after years and years of wanting to go back to dancing, she finally went to a class. It was exactly the kind of dancing she used to love. But she discovered that she no longer enjoyed it, and that made her feel unsure of herself. She always used to tell others about how she loved dancing, but that she just didn’t have time for it anymore. She liked how others would respond, and she liked thinking about how they thought of her, knowing that she could dance. It’s cool, right, when you’re really good at something, and you feel interesting to others? So what happens when you no longer enjoy it? If you’ve always identified with and presented yourself as someone who likes dancing, and you no longer do… it can feel like a piece of you is suddenly missing. And you start to wonder… Who am I now, then?

For me, it’s definitely drawing and painting. I used to be very artistic, and was always praised for my art. When I think about what I was capable of back then, I feel like I’ve failed. I can no longer say that I like to draw or paint. I can no longer put that on my lists of interests or abilities. I identified myself with being good at drawing and painting and being creative so much for more than half of my life. So who am I without it? What is my value if I’m not good at this anymore?

Accepting that even though you’ve changed, and continue to change, and your ideas and hobbies and interests have changed, you are still you at your core. The fact that you’re different, that you’ve grown, does not change the fact that you are still you.

Maybe self-worth is closely connected to identity. Maybe it’s about not being afraid of letting go of who you used to be, of what you used to be good at, of what you used to enjoy. It’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to not like what you used to like.

You can still think and talk about how you used to love dancing, painting, reading, playing video games, studying, whatever. But the fact of the matter is, you don’t have to love it anymore. There is no point in feeling bad or worthless just because something does not interest you anymore, or just because you’re no longer good at something.

You’re busy with other things now. You have other priorities. Your life is different than before. So maybe self-worth is about accepting who you are as you are right now, not focusing on who you used to be. Comparing yourself to the you of the past, thinking that you used to somehow be better, is pointless.

If you wish to change something about yourself, really consider whether it’s about truly wanting to improve on something that’s meaningful to you, or if it’s what you think others would want you to change. If the answer is the latter, chances are that your self-worth will suffer.

I actually feel a lot better after writing this.
I hope you will, too.

Thoughts?

It’s my birthday

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27 years old. It feels strange. I know that I’m growing older, and I’ve changed so much, but I still feel like I’m 21 or something. I’m sure most people can relate.

I see people who were barely people when I considered myself an adult, and they’re all grown up and adult as well. It freaks me out – How is he so tall?? – How is she already in high school?!

I’ve been excited about birthdays for most of my life. But as I grow older, they don’t mean as much to me. (One year I forgot and only remembered the day before.) I mean, I still celebrate with friends and family. I invite family members (that I like) over for cake. On another day, I invite some of my closest friends over for… well, cake. Which has become a great tradition, and of course I’m doing the same this year.

I don’t really give out a wish-list out anymore. To me, the presence of the people I care about is a gift enough in itself. People’s time is so much more valuable, especially in this day and age. I don’t need more things – unless they’re consumerable, like a nice, organic body lotion, or some chocolates, or maybe an I-owe-you for a nice dinner or a trip to the cinema. In general, I’m trying very hard not to accumulate more (unnecessary) stuff. Second-hand shopping has become a true passion of mine, as well as recycling/up-cycling. It’s become increasingly important to me over the last few years, and I don’t expect it to stop. It’s also one of the reasons why I declared “Gift-free Christmas” quite a few years ago. Now, there are exeptions. One example: my parents still insist on giving me presents. However, my dad and I have come up with a wonderful solution: whenever I need something during the year that I might not have money for at the time, he will buy it for me and “subtract” it from the Christmas Present money pool. A perfect deal, if you ask me. Definitely reccomendable.

As a child, time passed by so slowly. A week felt like a month, a year felt like three years. Now, a year feels like a month, and a week feels like a day. In retrospect, at least. A day can feel suuuuper long, but by the end of the week, you think: where did the time go? – I find that scary, especially since I have such a poor memory.
My grandmother started a sort of log journal many years ago, writing down events that were important to her. I got to read them a few years ago, and it inspired me to do the same. It gives me an overview and a perspective I otherwise would not have.
This is the format (an example from 2017):

28.11    Nevø Mathias Ladekarl Frydendal blev født!

01.12    Blev klippet og farvet hos frisøren. – Julefrokost på kontoret (Aronsen).

02.12 –

04.12    Kolding

10.12    Julefest hos Ylenia og co.

15.12    Birkegårdens Haver med far og mormor

21.12    Afleverede Bachelorprojekt

24.12    Juleaften hos mormor, med Kenneth og Onkel Erik

26.12    Natten til tirsdag blev min cykel stjålet.

For someone who has serious problems with timelines and remembering specific dates, this sort of journaling is priceless. It’s a great source of reference for me, also considering my illness – it’s helpful when I need to remember exactly when I was diagnosed, when I was in the different treatment programs, etc. Nice and practical.

Back in 2017, when I turned 25, I decided to write a recollection of my life. I did have quite the quarter life crisis, and had this despairing feeling that I had achieved almost nothing in my life. Of course, looking back, I realized that that’s not true at all. I think it’s healthy to reflect on your life like that sometimes, as it’s so easy to lose perspective. Hashtag relateable, am I right?
Towards the end of 2018, I was thinking back on the year as being really terrible for me. But when I said that to my boyfriend, he was like: what do you mean? – And he proceeded to remind me of all the things I had accomplished, how strong I had been, how I had not given up when depression came a-knocking, how consistently wonderful of a friend and girlfriend I was, and how proud he was of me. That kind of blew my mind – that I had completely lost perspective to such a degree that I was convinced I’d had an awful year, when I’d in fact had a pretty good one. I finally finished my BA; I managed to prevent a depressive episode and put my health first; I had amazing experiences with friends and family; started my own company – and put it on hold indefinitely due to health; I traveled; went to 2 weddings; met many of Nick’s friends and family members; I moved; and so on and so on.

It’s been a year of learning, growing, and self-care. And I should be proud of that.

So what’s next?

Well, hopefully I’ll get an internship (starting in March) at Depressionsforeningen, which is a voluntary association that deals with depression and bipolar.
I’d also like to find a paid, steady job, not full-time, but maybe 30 hours per week.
I’d love to finally move in with my boyfriend. Hopefully we’ll be able to find a place this year.
And decreasing my dosage of lamotrigine would be nice.
I feel like those are my goals for my 27th year. I’m ready to work – just not too much.

Return next Tuesday for a post about strategies I’ve used to prevent a depressive episode.

Sometimes I wonder

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Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without my bipolar disorder. What kind of person would I be? Would I still have been creative from a very early age? Would I still have been as fascinated with movies, TV, and video games? I wonder what I would have looked like, physically. What kind of style and hair-do I’d have had. Would my body have looked different? Would I have had different habits? I wonder if I would have been meaner or kinder, stronger or weaker, taller or shorter, smarter or dumber. I wonder if my feelings and opinions would be different. Whether I’d still have cared about the world as much as I do. Would I have been more narrowminded, less inclined to travel, or maybe been good at math, wanted to be a doctor or a politician or a scientist, a carpenter, or would I have been a talented dancer, or maybe just super, super boring?

Would I still have fallen in love? Would I still have fallen in love with the same people?
Would I still have the same friends?

I think about death a lot. Moreso when I’m depressed, but still a fair bit when I’m not. I think about what it would be like to die, who would miss me, and that I’d definitely want to be cremated. It also makes me think about life and what it means. We make choices and choose different paths all the time. Life as we know it can change in a heartbeat. But it’s so hard to live in the now, that now that everyone is so obsessed with. Live in the moment. Sometimes I wonder what that even means. I mean, I am obviously living in the moment. I’m alive now. And the next moment. And this one. And this one. Until there are no more moments. There is a limited amount of those. There are good ones and bad ones and alright ones, you know, basic moments. Maybe it just means that one should really treasure each good moment and really feel it – give yourself away to it. But it’s not possible to do that all the time, I mean, even just knowing when something is a good moment or not in that specific moment can be impossible. You may only find that out in retrospect. So I guess… it’s good to live in the actual moment that is happening right now and not focus too much on the past or the future. However, that is of course also necessary at times. We learn from our past, and we plan for the future. The plan may not always work out, but it’s good to have goals. Things to look forward to. We all know this.

But do we – do I – live by it? I don’t think I’ve learned how to just yet.

I want to live a fulfilling life. But I’m still very much influenced by what society expects of me, and what other people think I should want and should need. What if my circumstances in life just don’t allow that? What happens then ? What happens then ? …

(Points for you if you get the reference.)

It’s funny. I quite often wonder about that fulfilling life. But I don’t remember actually writing down what a fulfilling life would be for me. So far, it’s all just fleeting thoughts and ideas in my head. Huh. I’ll give it a go.

…. This is harder than I thought it would be.

…….. Let’s start with values in life. I’ve written those down many times.

I value the people I care about.

Ok, give me a second, I’m gonna get my notebook out and see what I’ve written previously. Ah, there it is.

I value

• Always doing one’s best
• Doing something good/making a difference for others
• Having new experiences
• Intimacy
• Love
• Diversity
• Tolerance
• Authenticity
• Justice
• Honesty
• Practicing what you preach

So how do I apply those to create a meaningful, fulfilling life for myself?

I want to make a difference for others. (Which is also one of the reasons why I started this blog again). I want to make people smile and have good experiences. I want to show love and compassion. I want to be with the people I love. I want to practice tolerance and authenticity, and accept and appreciate myself for who I am. I want to help others feel good about themselves. I want to be as healthy, physically and mentally, as possible. And I want to live a quiet life, with as little stress as possible. I want to see more of the world, read, study, watch, learn.

That’s all my brain can manage for now.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would look like if I didn’t have bipolar. But mostly, I wonder what my life will continue to look like with it.