We were sound asleep when the clock struck 12. Nick and I were woken up by the fireworks, wished each other a happy new year, and went back to sleep.
The 31st was a very weird day for both of us. I wasn’t in a great mood for some reason. We were supposed to cook a whole duck for dinner that would take us at least 4-5 hours. But early in the day, just the thought of having to both prepare dessert (risalamande) and a whole duck on the same day triggered an anxiety attack. I asked Nick if we could just cancel all our cooking plans and order in, and he said yes. He didn’t mind at all; he wasn’t really in the right headspace, either.
We were both quite irritable all day – especially me – and not up for much. Our plan had already been to stay in, have good food, watch TV, and wish each other happy new years at midnight. And then we’d go to bed. That’s what we did last year, and it was a great success.
I don’t know if it was because we didn’t have the place to ourselves (roommate Chris was also home), or because I don’t feel at home in that apartment at all. The atmosphere wasn’t as cozy as I’d expected, and I really just wanted to get the whole thing over with.
Christmas was wonderful, but New Years was, despite us not making any big plans, a dissapointment. Which annoyed me tremendously, as I’d specifically planned it this way to not be dissapointed or uncomfortable. I failed.
But that’s okay. It was just one of those days, and it happened to be on the last day of the year. So what? There’s always the next day.
So yesterday, I made risalamande, and we managed to cook a whole duck for the first time ever. We made mistakes along the way, but we fixed most of them in time, and it turned out delicious. And we have plenty of leftovers for tonight, so yay! All’s well that ends well. The last day of 2019 might have been sucky, but the first day of 2020 was just fine.
People have asked me if I have any New Years resolutions. I don’t really believe in them. If there’s something I want to change in my life, I don’t need to wait for the 1st of January. I’ve already started to improve my health, one small step at a time, and I will continue to work on it this year. I’m gonna work towards finding a paid job, part-time. Other than that, I just want to settle into Nick’s and my new home, and focus on keeping potential bipolar episodes at bay.
I’m still the same person I was two days ago, and my situation is still the same. But I’m gonna keep moving forwards.
I hope you all find some sort of peace of mind and fulfillment in your life this year, and that you continue to develop and improve yourself in any way you feel is needed. I wish you good health, physically and mentally, and hope that you will seek and receive the help and support you need in your everyday life. May 2020 treat you well, and may you treat others with love and kindness. We need more of that in this world.
Happy New Year. ❤
The Elephants in the Room 