Lower dosage = less energy…?

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Written on Tuesday the 15th of October.

Maybe it’s a combination of my increased working hours and the evenings growing darker and darker with every passing day. Yet, I feel like I should be experiencing more energy, since my new psychatrist and I decided a couple of weeks ago to once more lower my dosage of mood stabilizers with another 25mg. This hasn’t been the case. I’ve actually gotten more tired, sleeping 10-15 (!!) hours every night. The 15 hours were just one night, but still – where did that come from ?

I know it’s only been a few weeks. I know the weather has been grey and cold. And I know Nick has been gone for almost a week. All these factors have probably affected my sleep pattern. Still, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed, as I was finally starting to feel more energized and sleeping less. Thoughts and worries are slowly seeping into my mind… what if this is a sign of a beginning depression? It probably isn’t. But “probably” doesn’t really silence my worries.

I think I might give my psychiatrist a call one of these days, just to let him know how I’ve been feeling. Always good to keep the doc updated, especially when we’ve been making changes in my medication.

It’s still early days, but better safe than sorry, right? I haven’t been stable for that long, considering my history of frequent episodes. I want to make sure I nip it in the bud, if anything is actually going on. Can’t be sure. I’d like to be sure. Get advice from my psychiatrist. Stay alert.

People sometimes ask me, “Are you sure it’s healthy to constantly be aware of your mental state? Wouldn’t it be better to just live your life and not obsess about your disorder?” They could be right. But I don’t think so. Maybe when I’ve been stable and on low dosage of meds for several years, I can allow myself to not contantly be on guard. That’s just not my reality right now. I’m still working towards stability, structure, fewer episodes, and making my way to be able to keep a steady job. It’s just not an option to loosen the reins yet.

So, I shall continue to be observant, and have those around me be observant, too. Especially Nick, since I’m with him every day. And then hope that it’s just a passing thing, and not the first signs of a new depression. Fingers crossed.