It made me think

I just read a post on Facebook that made me think. Which is always a nice treat.

The post was about how we’re all scared to just be ourselves. The woman who wrote the post mentions that someone had said to her, “it’s so wonderful that you’re sitting there without make-up, just being yourself!” Which, as she points out, is very problematic. Because, well, who would she be if she wasn’t herself? She’s aware that she could show us something else, show herself in a certain light, in a certain way. It’s easy these days – just scroll through Instagram and it’s right there.

According to her, we as a society are afraid of standing up for ourselves and showing the world who we truly are. It can be extremely hard – especially if your soul and/or body is convered in scars – and sharing your story is scary. But necessary.

It’s okay to be broken.

If no one knows how you’re feeling, if you don’t open up, no one can help you. Not  yourself or others.

“We are herd animals.
We copy each other.
Humans need humans.
So maybe we just need to show that we are all “just” regular people, and let it unite us.”

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As you might have gathered, this made me think. Am I being true to who I am? I have a feeling that I’m not. Or am I? I’m not sure.

I am very open about my disorder, my flaws, my story. Does that mean I’m being true to who I am?

Although I’m not trying to be someone I’m not, I’m still not satisfied with who I am. But… that can be a good thing. It means that I know there is room for improvement, for change, and I’m trying to be better. Better at taking control of my own life. Better at trying new things and learning from my mistakes. And just, you know, being a better human. There’s always room for improvement in that category, no matter who you are. You can’t be too good of a human. By good I don’t mean bowing down and letting everyone walk all over you, always turning the other cheek or putting others first.

It’s about how you treat yourself, this Earth, and everyone else.

There are many things I can do (or practice doing) to become a better human being. And I really am making an effort, because it is important to me.

What is this post? I feel like I’m rambling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: trying to be someone you’re not is futile. Accepting who you are just as you are can be good, but also dangerous. Because blindly accepting you as you are will keep you stuck in your ways and prevent you from becoming the best human being you could possibly be.

Be you in all your strange and awkward glory. Know your qualities and your flaws. Work on them all. Be kind, be respectful, and be honest. And take good care of your body and mind – they will both be with you all your life. Might as well stay friends.

Did this end up completely cliché and cheesy? Yes. Yes it did. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear!

Have a great week everyone.

New Year, Same Life

 

We were sound asleep when the clock struck 12. Nick and I were woken up by the fireworks, wished each other a happy new year, and went back to sleep.

The 31st was a very weird day for both of us. I wasn’t in a great mood for some reason. We were supposed to cook a whole duck for dinner that would take us at least 4-5 hours. But early in the day, just the thought of having to both prepare dessert (risalamande) and a whole duck on the same day triggered an anxiety attack. I asked Nick if we could just cancel all our cooking plans and order in, and he said yes. He didn’t mind at all; he wasn’t really in the right headspace, either.

We were both quite irritable all day – especially me – and not up for much. Our plan had already been to  stay in, have good food, watch TV, and wish each other happy new years at midnight. And then we’d go to bed. That’s what we did last year, and it was a great success.

I don’t know if it was because we didn’t have the place to ourselves (roommate Chris was also home), or because I don’t feel at home in that apartment at all. The atmosphere wasn’t as cozy as I’d expected, and I really just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

Christmas was wonderful, but New Years was, despite us not making any big plans, a dissapointment. Which annoyed me tremendously, as I’d specifically planned it this way to not be dissapointed or uncomfortable. I failed.

But that’s okay. It was just one of those days, and it happened to be on the last day of the year. So what? There’s always the next day.

So yesterday, I made risalamande, and we managed to cook a whole duck for the first time ever. We made mistakes along the way, but we fixed most of them in time, and it turned out delicious. And we have plenty of leftovers for tonight, so yay! All’s well that ends well. The last day of 2019 might have been sucky, but the first day of 2020 was just fine.

People have asked me if I have any New Years resolutions. I don’t really believe in them. If there’s something I want to change in my life, I don’t need to wait for the 1st of January. I’ve already started to improve my health, one small step at a time, and I will continue to work on it this year. I’m gonna work towards finding a paid job, part-time. Other than that, I just want to settle into Nick’s and my new home, and focus on keeping potential bipolar episodes at bay.

I’m still the same person I was two days ago, and my situation is still the same. But I’m gonna keep moving forwards.

I hope you all find some sort of peace of mind and fulfillment in your life this year, and that you continue to develop and improve yourself in any way you feel is needed. I wish you good health, physically and mentally, and hope that you will seek and receive the help and support you need in your everyday life. May 2020 treat you well, and may you treat others with love and kindness. We need more of that in this world.

Happy New Year. ❤