Too much to ask for?

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“A normal life.” Is that too much to ask for?

 

I would love to live a life without constant physical pain. It would be a dream come true for me. It just doesn’t seem right that from the age of 20, I have suffered from pains almost as bad as my 82-year-old grandma, and it’s not getting better. If anything, it’s getting worse. I can’t imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. And yes, I know there are things I can do to try to make it better. Exercise is the main thing. But exercise has always been difficult for me, and I’m scared that I might overdo it and make it worse. The biggest hurdle for me, however, is changing my habits and overcoming my obsessive thought patterns.

Now that I’ve started cycling more, my obsessive thoughts about sweat and BO have gotten pretty bad. I’ve been trying to combat it by bringing an extra top and sweater or cardigan, so that I can change when I arrive at the office or whereever. But with the constant change in the Danish autumn weather, it’s really difficult for me to get dressed in the morning. What if it’s too warm for this? Will I sweat too much? Will I smell? What if I get too cold in the office, should I bring a thicker sweater? Will this be too warm or too cold for cycling? Will all of this fit in my backpack? What if it rains, should I bring my rain suit? My rubber boot has a hole in it, my feet will get wet, should I buy rain covers for my boots, I need to buy new boots, can I wear my sneakers, no they will get soaked and ruined, what about my winter boots, will they hold against heavy rain, they’re the only winter shoes I have that are relatively comfortable and still looks good with more formal clothes so I don’t want to ruin them
whatamIgonnadoshouldIjusttakethebusbutthatcostsmoneyandI’vealreadyspenttoomuchmoneyonpublictransportandwhataboutThursdaywhenIhavetogoseemyfriendwholivesfurtherawayIneedmoneyforthatonmycardIneedtoexerciseorI’llneverloseweightandmypainwillnevergoawayohnoit’sstartedtorainfuckwhatdoIdowhatshouldIdowhatshouldIdowhatshouldIdo…

These thoughts go through my mind almost every morning, and it’s driving me nuts. I sweat a lot, ever since I went into puberty, and it’s always been something I’ve been extremely aware of and uncomfortable with. It took me most of my teenage years and young adult life to find a antiperspirant that has an acceptable effect, yet it’s still not enough for me. How do I create a daily exercise routine with these obsessive thoughts? How do I find the self-discipline to reduce my suger intake and stop eating so much chocolate and cake? How do I say no when people offer? How can I live a healthy life? What does it feel like to get up in the morning and get dressed for the day like it’s no big deal?

What does it feel like not to always worry about every damn thing?

 

I would love to have a paid job 25 hours a week. To have a manageable job that I like, to have a steady income, without causing stress or triggering an episode… That’s my goal for 2020. I want to be able to pay half the rent, and buy new rubber boots without having to scour the internet for the absolute best deal, and end up waiting weeks, maybe months, before the old ones broke until buying new ones. I need a budget that won’t be completely ruined if I need to get a new pair of pants or if I need more sessions with my physiotherapist or need to take public transport more than I usually do.

 

I would love to live in the same place for more than two years. Since 2012, I’ve moved 9 times. Moving into our own place in January will be my 10th move. Moving is one of the most stressful things I can think of, and I’ve been uprooted so many times that I can’t even imagine living in the same place for more than two years. I desperately need the stability and security of real base to call home. Hopefully, Nick and I will live in our new apartment for many years to come. Or, you know, at least for three years.

 

Is that too much to ask for?