Life will beat you down…

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And somehow, you must find a way to get back up. Which isn’t always easy. Especially when life hands you a fuck-ton of lemons all at the same time. And yet, I find myself getting back up every time. How? Why?

There are people in my life who love and support me. They help me any way they can. I would definitely not be able to get back up if it weren’t for them. I’m strong, yes – but not that strong. To think that so many people in my situation do not have the support system I have… I can’t even begin to imagine what that must be like. You have my absolute deepest sympathies. I truly admire you and your resilience. You are incredible.

My life is unstable these days. I’m too scared to be in my apartment because of threats and crazy behavior from my upstairs neighbor. Finally got my own place, and this man has destroyed it for me. I’m currently staying with my boyfriend in an apartment that he shares with two friends. Not optimal, as my boyfriend’s room is only 9m2, but it’s our only option for now. I have nowhere else to go. He was supposed to move in with me, but that’s obviously not going to happen now.

Going to my internship has been nearly impossible. I’ve only managed to go three days in April, and three days in May so far. I’ve just been on the phone with my job consultant, and we’ve agreed that I’ll just show up at the office twice a week, for however long I can, even if it’s just for 30 minutes, and even if I can’t concentrate on anything. At least I’m getting out and seeing people, talking about other things and to distract me from all the lemons.

Monday last week, my dad, sister and I went to my deceased grandparents’ apartment to see if there were things, clothes, or furniture that we would like. We’d already agreed that I would get their coffee table, which is the exact style I was looking for. I also got a bunch of clothes – apparently, I’m the only woman in the family who has a similar figure as my grandmother had, as well as the only one with the same shoe-size. Which meant I could have whatever I wanted. She owned some really beautiful clothes, and I’m so happy that I’m able to wear it now. It’s also kinda nice to think about the fact that I’ve “inherited” physical attributes from her; I look nothing like my dad or his relatives in the face (I look more like my mom,) but this is proof that I do resemble my grandmother in this way. It may sound strange, but it makes me feel more connected to her. We only got to know her when I was 10 years old. That’s when we found out that my dad was adopted (we found out when we bought my grandmother’s and her husband’s summer house.) Suddenly we got a whole new family. My “first” grandfather died before I was born, and my “first” grandmother died when I was around 3. So, getting a whole new family was pretty incredible, and my dad was reunited with his biological mother after many, many years with no contact. As my grandma said the day before she died: “It was fate. My son came back to us.” I almost cried when she said that.

We had them in our lives for 17 years, and I will be forever grateful for that.

This is a bit of a rambling post. My thoughts and feelings are all messed up. It is what it is.

Hopefully I’ll have better news soon.

I’m Audi 5000.

– Michele Gerard, Gilmore Girls