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– try to at least use them for something. #nowaste.
I’m not gonna lie, these past few months have been tough. So many horrible events have occurred, and they clouded my mind for a while. It was hard to answer the question “how are you doing,” because I didn’t know. I knew I was feeling sad and low, but it was just all too surreal for me, and I couldn’t take it all in. I felt like the world was moving around me while I was standing still, and there was nothing I could do about it.
Of course, I was doing something about it. I reached out for help, I made phone calls, sent e-mails, showed up at the estate office, called the police when needed, and managed to start going to my internship regularly again this month. Keeping myself busy has been – and still is – a primary goal for me. I so desperately need a reason to get up in the morning.
Some of you might be wondering what the hell happened. I’ve mentioned some of it in previous posts, about the three deaths in my family within a month, and that my boyfriend was threatened by my upstairs neighbor. I’ve only spent the night once at my place since that incident, and am now living with my boyfriend in the apartment he shares with two other people. Now, it’s a big apartment, but not that big. Just big enough for three, a bit small for four. But since it has been concluded from all sides – from the municipality, my housing adviser, case worker, etc. – that 1) it won’t be possible to get the guy kicked out, and 2) I won’t be able to get a new place until I’ve lived there for 2 years and can apply to switch – I have terminated my contract and have three months notice. Which is frustrating, since I’m basically paying for a place that I’m not living in. However, they might have found a new tenant already, and if I’m lucky, she can move in 1st of August, and I won’t have to pay for August and September!
My boyfriend and I have been super lucky: we found a new apartment for us! It won’t be finished until January – it’s new construction – so I’ll be living here with him until then. Cramped, but better than nothing. The new place is of course way more expensive than mine, but we’ll manage.
Still having a lot of migraines, nothing new on that front. Still got pains in my neck, shoulders, and back. But that’s just how it is. I went to my physio-clinic yesterday and had a massage. It was fantastic. My trainer said that before we can start training, I need to get some massage sessions in first, so my muscles can loosen up a bit. After the session yesterday, the massage therapist told me that I’d certainly given her a lot of work! Goes to show how fucked up my body is. Although, it’s kind of nice to have your pain acknowledged; I’m not just making it up. And it was a very lovely massage.
I’ve been thinking about what I can take away from all these experiences. Something useful…
I’ve definitely stood up for myself and refused to give up, although in the end, I had to. But only because I had exhausted all other possibilities.
My boyfriend and I have learned that we love living together full-time, which is wonderful.
I’ve started challenging the idea of life being fair or unfair. Sometimes, things just happen that are out of your control, and all you can do is deal with it the best way you can. No one could have forseen all of those deaths in April. Life didn’t do that to me. It just happened. Lots of awful things happened within a very short period of time, but Life isn’t some divine power throwing shit at me when it feels like I’ve been having it too easy for too long. I’ve been terribly unlucky, yet also incredibly lucky to have such wonderful people in my life who are there to help me get through it.
And it’s been another “test” for me when it comes to using my strategies to prevent depression.
I’m definitely feeling better. A bit more energy and more mental resources. I’ll be going on holiday soon, and I think that will give me an extra boost. So yeah, things are looking up. About damn time. Let’s hope it stays this way.
From next week I’m hoping to get back into writing posts with specific topics again.
Have a wonderful week!
The Elephants in the Room 