Cast adrift

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Saying that life is difficult or hard for me right now is an understatement. Terrible things have happened this month, and I feel so lost. It’s as if I’ve left my body and I’m just floating about, observing my life from the outside. There are moments during the day when I actually return to my body, but they don’t last very long. My boyfriend (Nick) keeps asking me if I’m okay, probably because I’m so out of it, so absent-minded. I usually talk a lot, so my quietness and distractedness worries him. And me, for that matter.

The world is moving around me, and I’m standing still, waiting for things to happen, waiting for good news, or even bad news, just some news would be nice. I’m being vague for a reason. I might share what’s been going on lately on this blog some day, but not now. Not yet. I grow more and more tired each time I have to explain the situation to others. It’s overwhelming for them, too, and it’s the kind of thing you tell people in person, not over the phone.

The exhaustion is real.

I can say this much: I’m going to another funeral on Tuesday. Can’t wait to get that day over with. And I desperately hope that I won’t have to go to another one for a very, very long time. Three funerals in one month … it’s too much to deal with.

People are telling me that I’m dealing with the situation very well, that I’m taking it like a champ, and that I’m doing everything I can. Although it’s good to hear, I’m still terribly lost and just so helpless.

If only I’d wake up tomorrow and the entire month had just been one big crazy april fools. It seems too ridiculous to be true.

I try to fill out my days with friends, chores (I’m staying with Nick for the time being, and I spent hours cleaning his room and doing laundry the other day), a couple of days at my internship each week, etc. And of course my time has also been consumed by funerals and mourning and sadness. And sleep. And lots of re-watching Game of Thrones.

If I were to have a look on the bright side, I haven’t shown any real symptoms of depression. Thank Jebus. If I started falling into depression again, on top of everything else… I don’t even want to think about that.

I’m feeding myself okay. Nick helps me. We take turns cooking dinner, and we make sure that there’s always some bread I can eat, and other foods that don’t need much preparation.

I’m sleeping alright. Nick has a 9m2 room in a shared apartment with two friends. It’s a big apartment, but I’m definitely staying here on borrowed time, which I completely understand.
It gets super hot in Nick’s room, so some nights we both have trouble sleeping. The metro is right on the other side of the street, so keeping the window open can sometimes mean that the noise from the metro wakes us up. It’s not optimal, but it will do for the time being. Better than couch surfing at friends’ places.

Conclusion: I’m okay. I’m not okay. Tired, scared, sad, confused, distracted… not okay. But I’m okay in the sense that I’m coping and trying to navigate through this thing to the best of my ability. I miss my own bed, my couch, my TV… but I’m dealing with it.

Anyway. Still alive, still functioning relatively well, and I’ve not given up.

 

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