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Just smile more.
Just be positive.
You have so much to be happy about. Just be happy!
Just look on the bright side.
You should be grateful for what you have.
At least you don’t have cancer.
I have been told all of the above while deeply depressed. And let me tell you – it did not cure my depression. Strange, right?
(In case you didn’t catch it, that last question was soaked in sarcasm.)
Although these comments probably come from good intentions, it can have the exact opposite effect on someone with depression. First of all, it creates a massive amount of guilt, feelings of failure, and pressure to just get better. Symptoms they already have that will now get worse. Thus, comments with good intentions (such as those mentioned above) based on ignorance and cluelessness can be very dangerous to someone suffering from depression. They just might push them over the edge.
It took me a long time to realize that what these people were telling me said more about them than about me and my mental health. The guilt and shame that came with feeling weak and useless because I couldn’t “just” fix it, because I couldn’t cure my depression simply by smiling and “looking on the bright side,” had a very negative impact on my way to recovery. I felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough, that I wasn’t strong enough, and made me feel like I should just give up. After being diagnosed with bipolar, being taken seriously by medical professionals – nurses, doctors, psychiatrists, specialists – and going into treatment, I discovered that I had something that couldn’t be cured by the magic power of “being positive.” I learned that the people who had given me all this advice had no idea what they were talking about. At first I was angry, until I realized that they didn’t do it on purpose. They just didn’t know.
Most people don’t really know anything about mental illness. This ignorance is clearly portrayed in the media and the film industry. It’s been improving these past few years, but the stigma and stereotypes are still wide-spread and thriving, even in countries like Denmark. We are not taught about mental illness in schools – at least not as far as I know – unless we’re discussing geniuses in art or science. We might learn about the mental illnesses of Einstein and Van Gogh, but that’s about it. These people are considered far from normal; they were exceptional beings unlike “regular people.”
I had a substitute teacher that was supposed to be our Danish and history teacher for a year while our own teacher was on maternity leave. I think she lasted about a month, max. My classmates mainly consisted of bullies (and some were children of alcoholics), not really caring about learning. No teacher in our school wanted to be a substitute teacher in our class for even one hour; I once overheard someone say, “Oh no, I have to be a sub in 4.A today. (In grade four you’re about 10 years old.)
This poor, young, newly graduated teacher had been chosen to spent a year in hell. How had she been chosen for us? How could the school board be so cruel?
Long story short, she ended up quitting after about a month, and we were told she was just lying at home on her couch, crying. That’s literally what we were told. Then they made everyone sign a “get well” card for her. We never saw her again.
Nobody explained to us the psychological terror she had been exposed to from our class. No one explained the consequences this behavior can have on another human being. And no one explained the concepts of “depression” or “mental health.” This might have been the perfect opportunity for that. The boys in our class mainly acted as if they were proud of having broken her so quickly.
This is all to say that ignorance isn’t bliss for those who are negatively affected by it. Mental health should be part of the school curriculum. It would be a great way to fight the stigma against mental illness, and might even get people to seek help sooner than they do now.
My main point with this post is this: don’t tell someone to “just smile” or “just be positive” or “just stop thinking that way!” Instead, try to listen. Try to learn. This way, your good intentions could actually be transformed into something helpful – into something positive.
The Elephants in the Room 