Hello again.

I’ve been wanting to come back here for a while. It’s been like, 5 months since I posted anything. I haven’t been feeling particularly inspired – you can probably guess why. I’m lucky though; I’m gonna get to the other side of this pandemic relatively unscathed, which can’t be said about everyone. As I’m already unemployed (well, not completely unemployed anymore – more on that later), I haven’t had a job to lose. We’re financially set because of Nick’s job, so no worries there. The main issue for me has been the isolation.

Not being able to see my family or friends for a long time is so hard, as it is for most people. It comes in waves – some days I feel like crying without any specific reason, I’m just tired, tired of not being able to go whereever I want, whenever I want, see whoever I want… I miss my grandma and my sister, my niece, my nephew, my dad, my brother… I miss my friends, miss hugging them, hanging out. I miss going to the cinema. I miss experiencing new things in general. This Groundhog Day-shit is so, so tiring.

I realize I am very privileged. I have a comfortable home, my family and friends are well, none one them has had covid-19 (as far as we know). I have not fallen into a depression, which is quite a relief. I’ve seen a dietician for about four months, and I’m down to my desired weight again, after years of trying to change my eating habits and failing. I’m incredibly grateful for my dietician and very proud of myself for working so hard. I recognize myself when I look in the mirror, which is just… amazing.

So yeah, my struggles are not as severe as many others’. But that does not make them invalid. I am entitled to everything that I am feeling. My feelings are valid, and I get to be sad when I’m sad and happy when I’m happy. I can be frustrated and lonely and feel down in the dumps, without undermining the experiences of others. I’m heartbroken for those who have lost their lives and the people left behind. I’m outraged that some governments are failing their people. I’m so angry with those who call this a conspiracy and won’t wear masks because they don’t “believe in them”, that they refuse – just for a shot while – to give up some of their freedom to help save lives. My soul aches when I think of all the people in camps around the world, dying not just of covid, but of starvation and freezing to death. I am not unaware of their pain and their suffering.

But I should not ignore my own pain because of this. It’s no use to anyone if I fall apart because I didn’t acknowledge how I’m feeling.

All of this to say… it’s hard. But we’re gonna get through this, as long as we all work together. Take care of each other. Respect the lives of others – no one deserves to die so that you can go to the gym.

That’s all. I’ll write another post about my new part-time job. It’s exciting, and it gives me a reason to get up on the mornings where I have work. So stay tuned for that!

Take care out there.

When you don’t get the job you wanted

This post is meant to be cathartic for me. I’m feeling really bummed right now, so I need to let my emotions flow.

I would be lying if I said that I’m not close to tears right now.

Today I got a call saying that unfortunately I had not been chosen for the job I’d applied and interviewed for. He said it had nothing to do with qualifications – I was absolutely qualified – but they had so many candidates that were all qualified. He assured me that I did really well at the interview, and that they had had to make a really hard decision. And that was that. He sounded very apologetic on the phone, which made me feel a little better. But only a little.

I really, really wanted this job. I’ve applied for similar positions elsewhere and still waiting to hear back from them. But I had an actual chance of getting this job, went in for an interview and everything, and it went well – and still I wasn’t chosen.

It sucks. And I’m sad.

However, I’m aware that this is just part of the job-applying process. I know that we are 9 out of 13 candidates that got an interview that were not chosen for the 4 available positions – all qualified, but not hired. I know they had a difficult time choosing the right people, because we all seemed right.

I’m trying to focus on the positive things that are happening in my life. For example, I’ve been nominated for an awardshow in Copenhagen called Shortdox 2020, for a 3-minute short I wrote and recorded at my internship. It’s super cool, and I’m really proud of myself. I’ve played it for a few people, and they’ve all loved it and were very moved by it. The theme of the awardshow is “Transitions,” and I wrote about my experience with the transition between a hypomanic episode and depression. It’s in Danish, but I’ll still share it here when it’s been made public.

Still applying for the same position other places, and I hope that I will eventually succeed. Gotta stay positive, for my own sake. Here’s to future job opportunities – adventure is out there!

 

 

This is not a drill

Hello everyone.

I apologize for my absence. The world seems to be falling apart and it’s been hard to navigate. As most people, I’m still processing what’s happening. We are in a global crisis that will change all of our lives forever. The fact that there are so many places – especially the US – that has been denying its existence, have allowed covid-19 to run rampant.

This is not just about defeating the virus. That will take a very, very long time. The world was not prepared for this. The way we have constructed our society does not help with handling a global pandemic. I am so grateful of the way our government in Denmark has handled the situation, despite initial criticism internationally and pressure from the outside world. It couldn’t last forever, of course – economy would not allow it. I am 100% certain that had we had a right-wing government, our situation would have been very different – in a negative and devastating way.

I am scared for the future.

But that doesn’t mean good things aren’t happening in my life.

Everyone in my family is well and healthy.

My beautiful, perfect niece was born. And I’m her godmother.

I’ve recently started a 4-week internship, and I am loving it.

My relationship with Nick is as strong as ever.

I’ve been reading more books, all related to Black Lives Matter and novels written by Black authors. Currently reading “if they come in the morning” by Angela Davis et al.

I finally have an appointment with a rheumatologist in September.

I’ve been teaching Danish through video chat.

Most of my plants are doing very well.

Nick bought a Nintendo Switch. I can finally play Animal Crossing again!!!

I’ve now been stable for at least 16 months.

 

And I’m sure there is more I could add to the list. So I have reasons to get up in the morning, which is a big deal for me. Covid-19 and lock-down took that away from me. I’m so happy to finally have it back.

It is important for me to note, though, that the situation the world is facing is not a drill. It’s real, it’s happening, it’s killing us, and will continue to kill us and hurt us for a long time to come. I urge you all to take care of yourselves and others. Be kind, be understanding. Educate yourself on things that matter: the global pandemic, refugees losing the battle against covid-19, the horrifying civil war in Yemen, the Black Lives Matter + Trans Lives Matter + Black Trans Lives Matter-movements… And, speaking directly to americans: vote that son of a bitch out of office. Get him OUT. Get him out ASAP. He will continue to destroy your nation for as long as you let him.

 

My family is safe. I am so, so grateful for that. We are lucky. Millions of people are not. Millions are suffering. I refuse to ignore it. I don’t have money, I can’t travel and directly help those in need, I can’t go to the States and protest, I can’t vote Trump out, I can’t heal the sick. But I can read. Read and read and read, and show my support whenever and however I can. I can speak up and stand up for the people who need it. I can sign petitions. And I can write about it.

That’s all I have to say right now. Stay safe, take care, and just… care.

My quarantine life in pictures.

 

Strawberry bread

 

Smoothie, strawberry bread, “1984”

 

Me with Nick’s Monkey

 

Chocolate chip cookies

 

3000 piece puzzle

 

The struggle is real

 

Bullet journaling

Meme

 

Another meme

 

Ok you get the idea

 

Netflix

 

Youtube

Why is Valentine’s Day a thing?

“The day first became associated with romantic love within the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the 14th century, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. In 18th-century England, it grew into an occasion in which couples expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines”). Valentine’s Day symbols that are used today include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have given way to mass-produced greeting cards.

(…)

“In the United States, about 190 million Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, not including the hundreds of millions of cards school children exchange.

Valentine’s Day is a major source of economic activity, with total expenditures in 2017 topping $18.2 billion, or over $136 per person. This is an increase from $108 per person in 2010.”

– Wikipedia

There are many opinions on Valentine’s Day out there. Some celebrate it every year; singles often either moan and complain about it, or make it about self-love. Some say it’s all just mass-produced and materialistic, with companies trying to make as much money off of it as possible. In the US, Valentine’s Day seems to be a very big deal, even in schools. Children of all ages are encouraged to give out hand-written Valentine’s cards, and if you don’t get one, it’s embarrassing and sad.

In Japan, it’s custom to – and often expected of – women to give chocolate to men, not just to their significant other, but also their male bosses and co-workers. In return, “[in] the 1980s, the Japanese National Confectionery Industry Association launched a successful campaign to make March 14 a “reply day”, where men are expected to return the favour to those who gave them chocolates on Valentine’s Day, calling it White Day for the color of the chocolates being offered” (Wikipedia). (Read more about the Japanese Valentine’s Day and White Day here and here.)

Now, in Denmark, it hasn’t really caught on completely. Some people celebrate the American way, with chocolates, flowers, and/or greeting cards. Both partners are expected to give something to the other. Personally, I’ve never really celebrated Valentine’s Day. Well, that’s not entirely true; I’ve given previous boyfriends chocolate, as far as I can remember. But I only have two exes, and we’d share the chocolate anyway. However, my second boyfriend, with whom I had a very long relationship, and I met when we were both studying Japanese. He thought it was fun with the Japanese tradition, so I think we celebrated it like that a few times. I’d get him something on February 14, and he’d get me something on March 14. But it was never really that important to us…

… because we knew how to express our love to each other on a day-to-day basis. Little presents here and there; sometimes I’d treat him to a nice dinner, and vice versa. We didn’t need to schedule a specific day to show each other how much we cared. We’d do small gestures, like leaving a sticky-note on the other’s computer, writing something sweet and draw a heart or something, so they’d find it after coming home from work or school or whatever. Or we’d give each other things that were more of a present for ourselves; one time, he bought me a bluetooth speaker for my phone, so I’d have better sound when watching YouTube videos. He was quite sensitive to sound, so I got a nice present, and he didn’t have to listen to whatever I was watching with my crappy built-in phone speaker.

My current (and hopefully forever-)boyfriend and I have a similar arrangement; we take turns in cooking dinner (or ordering in when we’re both tired), spend as much time together as possible, text each other sweet things even if we’re sitting right next to one another… We support, root for, and take good care of each other. To us, this is so much better, more natural, and more important than attributing showing our love to one day. Also, it wasn’t Valentine’s Day yesterday, and he still brought Ben&Jerry’s after work. I sometimes provide red wine for him, or cookies. … So, basically, we both love feeding each other. Wonderful, right?

We don’t even exchange presents for Christmas or birthdays. A trip to the cinema and a nice meal will do the trick. Or just a nice night in, with order-in sushi and Netflix. Absolutely perfect. I mean, I guess that is a present of sorts; but at least it’s something we both enjoy, and isn’t limited to just one day of the year.

If you really want to give someone something for Valentine’s Day, or any other holiday for that matter, I truly believe that giving your time and attention is the best gift in the whole world. Especially in this day and age, where you have to schedule a meet-up with your friends months in advance. (This is definitely a problem here in Denmark, I think, particularly in the bigger cities.)

I mean, celebrating Valentine’s Day can be really nice. Just don’t rely on it to be the only day to show someone your affection. Do a little somethin’-somethin’ every once in a while. It doesn’t have to be gift-giving, or cost any money at all. There are other ways to show appreciation than with things.

What are your thoughts on this romantic holiday?

It made me think

I just read a post on Facebook that made me think. Which is always a nice treat.

The post was about how we’re all scared to just be ourselves. The woman who wrote the post mentions that someone had said to her, “it’s so wonderful that you’re sitting there without make-up, just being yourself!” Which, as she points out, is very problematic. Because, well, who would she be if she wasn’t herself? She’s aware that she could show us something else, show herself in a certain light, in a certain way. It’s easy these days – just scroll through Instagram and it’s right there.

According to her, we as a society are afraid of standing up for ourselves and showing the world who we truly are. It can be extremely hard – especially if your soul and/or body is convered in scars – and sharing your story is scary. But necessary.

It’s okay to be broken.

If no one knows how you’re feeling, if you don’t open up, no one can help you. Not  yourself or others.

“We are herd animals.
We copy each other.
Humans need humans.
So maybe we just need to show that we are all “just” regular people, and let it unite us.”

---

As you might have gathered, this made me think. Am I being true to who I am? I have a feeling that I’m not. Or am I? I’m not sure.

I am very open about my disorder, my flaws, my story. Does that mean I’m being true to who I am?

Although I’m not trying to be someone I’m not, I’m still not satisfied with who I am. But… that can be a good thing. It means that I know there is room for improvement, for change, and I’m trying to be better. Better at taking control of my own life. Better at trying new things and learning from my mistakes. And just, you know, being a better human. There’s always room for improvement in that category, no matter who you are. You can’t be too good of a human. By good I don’t mean bowing down and letting everyone walk all over you, always turning the other cheek or putting others first.

It’s about how you treat yourself, this Earth, and everyone else.

There are many things I can do (or practice doing) to become a better human being. And I really am making an effort, because it is important to me.

What is this post? I feel like I’m rambling.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: trying to be someone you’re not is futile. Accepting who you are just as you are can be good, but also dangerous. Because blindly accepting you as you are will keep you stuck in your ways and prevent you from becoming the best human being you could possibly be.

Be you in all your strange and awkward glory. Know your qualities and your flaws. Work on them all. Be kind, be respectful, and be honest. And take good care of your body and mind – they will both be with you all your life. Might as well stay friends.

Did this end up completely cliché and cheesy? Yes. Yes it did. I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear!

Have a great week everyone.

New Year, Same Life

 

We were sound asleep when the clock struck 12. Nick and I were woken up by the fireworks, wished each other a happy new year, and went back to sleep.

The 31st was a very weird day for both of us. I wasn’t in a great mood for some reason. We were supposed to cook a whole duck for dinner that would take us at least 4-5 hours. But early in the day, just the thought of having to both prepare dessert (risalamande) and a whole duck on the same day triggered an anxiety attack. I asked Nick if we could just cancel all our cooking plans and order in, and he said yes. He didn’t mind at all; he wasn’t really in the right headspace, either.

We were both quite irritable all day – especially me – and not up for much. Our plan had already been to  stay in, have good food, watch TV, and wish each other happy new years at midnight. And then we’d go to bed. That’s what we did last year, and it was a great success.

I don’t know if it was because we didn’t have the place to ourselves (roommate Chris was also home), or because I don’t feel at home in that apartment at all. The atmosphere wasn’t as cozy as I’d expected, and I really just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

Christmas was wonderful, but New Years was, despite us not making any big plans, a dissapointment. Which annoyed me tremendously, as I’d specifically planned it this way to not be dissapointed or uncomfortable. I failed.

But that’s okay. It was just one of those days, and it happened to be on the last day of the year. So what? There’s always the next day.

So yesterday, I made risalamande, and we managed to cook a whole duck for the first time ever. We made mistakes along the way, but we fixed most of them in time, and it turned out delicious. And we have plenty of leftovers for tonight, so yay! All’s well that ends well. The last day of 2019 might have been sucky, but the first day of 2020 was just fine.

People have asked me if I have any New Years resolutions. I don’t really believe in them. If there’s something I want to change in my life, I don’t need to wait for the 1st of January. I’ve already started to improve my health, one small step at a time, and I will continue to work on it this year. I’m gonna work towards finding a paid job, part-time. Other than that, I just want to settle into Nick’s and my new home, and focus on keeping potential bipolar episodes at bay.

I’m still the same person I was two days ago, and my situation is still the same. But I’m gonna keep moving forwards.

I hope you all find some sort of peace of mind and fulfillment in your life this year, and that you continue to develop and improve yourself in any way you feel is needed. I wish you good health, physically and mentally, and hope that you will seek and receive the help and support you need in your everyday life. May 2020 treat you well, and may you treat others with love and kindness. We need more of that in this world.

Happy New Year. ❤

Enjoying this time of year

Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio version here:

“It’s the mooost wonderful tiiime of the yeeeear…”

For some. For others, it’s the worst.

Personally, I absolutely love Christmas. Not for the presents – although that was one of the highlights of the holiday when I was younger – but for the warmth and happiness it brings me. The lights, the food, Christmas spice tea, the decorations… all of it brings me a lot of joy.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. Yet, during my teens and early twenties, the holidays got more and more difficult because of my mom. I think the last time I celebrated Christmas back home was in… 2012, I think. After that, I made sure to spend any holiday I could with my old boyfriend’s family. The year we broke up, my brother, uncle, my grandma and I spent Christmas Eve at my grandma’s, and we had a very lovely evening. The year after that, my grandma and I decided to take a bus tour to Germany (mainly for old people, but I think there were a couple of other people around my age, maybe a bit older). It was a nice trip, but not something I’d do again, at least not with a tour group.

Two years ago I met Nick, so now I have his wonderful family to spend the holidays with.

Being able to actually enjoy Christmas is so important to me, much more important than “family obligations.” I choose to be with people I care about, who treat me well and make me happy. I’m not gonna waste one more Christmas on someone (i.e. my mother) who only brings me down. Of course, choosing to cut my mother out of my life means that I can’t really spend Christmas with my dad or my sister. But my dad isn’t really such a big fan of the holiday, and my sister lives pretty far away, so it doesn’t really matter that much.

I know quite a few people who hates this time of year, mostly because it entails spending time with family – especially with peripheral family members you don’t know and don’t really care about, who always ask the same questions: “So, what do you do?” “Are you studying?” “Oh, you’re not working? What do you do, then?” And you’re just sitting there, like… “I’m just trying to figure out life.” And they just don’t seem to get it. “So, do you have a boyfriend?” “Are you getting married soon?” “Are you gonna have kids?” Or, “Oh, you’re single? Why? Don’t you want a boyfriend?” and blaaaa blablablabla. Damn exhausting.

Explaining peripheral family members that I have bipolar, that  I’m on sick leave, trying to figure out how many hours I can actually work, not knowing exactly what I want to do for work, or when I’ll actually get a paid job… ugh. Spare me.

This isn’t just during Christmas, of course. It’s the same with birthdays. Which is why I only invite the family I actually like when I celebrate my birthday.

Anyway. I was inspired to write this post because I arrived in Kolding this afternoon, for a nice little weekend get-away, and we had risengrød for dinner! (see picture above.) A classic Christmas rice porridge with cinnamon mixed with sugar on top, and of course a nice spoonfull of butter right in the middle. Mmmmh.

Also going to the annual Christmas market here in Kolding this weekend. I’m so excited!

Merry weekend to all, and to all a good night.

 

 

The system is the system is the system

Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio version here:

Today I met my new job consultant. I haven’t had one since June, and my internship ends in two months, but hey, better late than never, right?

Her job is basically to help me fulfill the goals set by myself and the job center (mainly by the job center). I was a little surprised, though, when she told me that their goal was to get me working 37 hours per week. That is not what my caseworker and I agreed on. We’d agreed to keep the goal at 25 hours per week, since it’s pretty clear I can’t work more than that.

I pointed out to my consultant that I generally have one sick-day every week, which means that I’m not actually working 20 hours, but 15 hours per week these days. From the 16th of December, I’m supposed to move up to 25 hours, as my caseworker and I agreed on. But if I continue to have one sick-day a week, I’d still only be working 20, not 25. My consultant then told me that I should count the sick-days as normal workdays, and not put that workload on another day instead. Which is what I’m already doing.

She told me that she would make a plan for slowly increasing my hours up to 30 by mid-January, as she also didn’t find it likely that I’d be able to have a full work week. And then we’ll just see how it goes, and meet again in the beginning of January.

Now, I haven’t heard from my “rehabilitation team” since January this year. They seemed very motivated to help me at the time, insisting that I should get further professionel treatment for my physical pains. I was “ordered” to go to a rheumatologist, get his/her professional opinion, and take it from there. If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know that the rheumatologist took one look and me and went, “Well, seems like chronic pains. You’ll probably have it for the rest of your life. All you can do is try to limit the pain, with regular exercise and pain killers.” At least he was kind enough as to not force me to take even more medication, as he felt I was taking enough already.

My doctor then referred me to a clinic for people suffering from different kinds of chronic pains. But they rejected me, said I didn’t fit their requirements for treatment. Oh, well.

After that, nothing. I’m just paying for my own physiotherapy, and my dad pays for my gym membership.

The thing is… Right now, it’s not my mental health that’s keeping me from working even part-time hours. It’s my physical state. And if nothing is done about it, I won’t be able to work more than 15 – max 20 hours per week. Simple fact.

So … will they do anything about it? Will they help me? Who knows. Who knows if I’ll ever again meet those people I met on that day in January, who sat there with their laptops and notebooks and made me feel like I was doing exams all over again. They sat there, like judges, trying to figure out what to do with me. “How do we get this young woman back on the job market with minimum effort and as cheap as possible?” Maybe I’m being too rough on them… maybe they’re just over-worked and don’t have the capacity to actually check up on their cases. Whooo knoooows.

I guess all I can do is try to work more hours, and call in sick when I’m in too much pain. And then I’ll talk to my caseworker in two weeks (over the phone, mind you), and see what she has to say. Maybe she had a chat with the rheumatologist who gave me that kinda “loose” diagnosis, maybe she’s convinced the pain clinic to take me in, or maybe she hasn’t done one single fucking thing. I’m betting on the last one. It’s a classic.

Sorry for sounding so pessimistic, but… the system is the system is the system. I do hope she’ll bring me some good news, but I gotta say – my caseworkers usually don’t have much news to bring altogether.

Anyway. Dua Lipa is coming to Copenhagen next year, so hey, at least there’s that, right?! Ticket sales open on the 6th. Wish me luck ya’ll! … you know, with both the pain stuff and the concert tickets. Thanks in advance! 😀

Fall

Don’t feel like reading? Listen to the audio version here:

Fall and winter have traditionally been very dark seasons in my life, as it is for many. I obviously don’t mean that literally, because well, it is literally darker outside. I’m talking about that good ol’ friend we call depression.

This tradition, however, has been broken.

Despite a terrible five days of migraine (because of my period), I’m doing really well. I’ve made some changes in my diet, started going to the gym twice a week, still going to physiotherapy… I’ve cut down on my sugar intake (which was massive just a month and a half ago. Like, really bad), and I’m taking vitamin D every day with my other pills.

All of the above has probably contributed to the fact that I didn’t have a migraine for almost a full month! I don’t remember the last time that happened. There’s no saying exactly what had caused this wonderful change, and I have not been equally blessed these past few weeks. Nonetheless, that was a marvelous 3-4 weeks.

I got some great news the other day. One of my friends, who’s been suffering from multiple mental disorders for many many years and have constantly been dropped through the cracks of the system, is finally going to get the treatment she deserves. She’s going to the same place where I did my two-year treatment program, and I sooo hope her experience there will be as great as mine was. I’m so happy for her.

I’ve been very, very emotionel lately. It doesn’t take much to make me cry. I haven’t made it better by watching movies at the cinema that turned out to be really sad. The 2-year anniversary of the death of someone very close to me is drawing near, and it’s pulling at my heartstrings. On top of all the deaths in my family that’s happened this year… Death is really on my mind. Thinking about death and crying so much is tiring. But it’s not pulling me down further than that. I am okay. I’m allowing myself to cry because I clearly need to, and I feel better afterwards. This, too, shall pass.

Have a great week!